i can't hear

i am sick.

yeah go me.

this week can't get any worst.

i give up.

i give up.
no more.

people are still retarded.
i am selfish.

i've been wondering around a lot.
clear my head of empty and useless thoughts.

3 more ppl to cut off and i am free.

i pray that God would give me wings to fly, fly away from here.
if not, i'll find a way to fly on my own. Up in the sky and to the brightest star on my own in a peaceful and tranquil manner.

nature is beautiful.

the likings of nothingness

.:I am a compulsive liar. If I told you anything within the last 6 months, it's all a lie:.

THIS IS THE TRUTH!


Do you find that some things are too good to be true? I find that maybe I am making myself too available sometimes. If it was the other way around, I truly doubt I get the same treatment. Maybe I am too nice but really I don't really hate or detest anyone. I get angry, say mean things, and move on with life. What frustrates me the most is that the people closest to me aren't really that close or approachable. I am ALWAYS alone in times of trouble. If I am needed, I try my best to be as helpful as possible. I like to think I go the extra mile to what I have available as my resources. I am generous with my money, my time, and my heart. More and more now I am retracting them back slowly. Maybe it's time to cut everyone loose and just worry about myself. Opps, I am already doing that already. Let me rephase, I am going to cut everybody loose for my sanity. If I die alone, then so be it.

I hate excuses and incomplete answers. I hate insincerity and being bored. I've been so bored lately, I think I will shoot myself. Though it is my own fault for being lazy and unmotivated and poor. I am not afraid to blame myself when it's my fault. I FUCKINNNNNNG HATE SCHOOOL. MORE THAN EVER BEFORE. I WILL QUIT SCHOOOL. NO MORE LEARNING. I SUCK AT SCHOOL AND CONTINUE TO. I WILL NEVER ACHIEVE ANYTHING AND WILL RELY ON GOVERNMENT PAYMENTS TO SURVIVE IN MY CARDBOARD BOX. I WILL EAT SCRAPS OFF DUMPSTER. THAT WILL KEEP ME BUSY ENOUGH. FIND FOOD AND STAY WARM! THAT MEANS I WON'T HAVE TIME TO BE BORED. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE OFFER THINGS OR FAVOURS WHEN THEY DON'T WANT TO. DON'T BE OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING. UNLESS THE HITMAN HAS YOUR MOM AT GUNPOINT OR WHEN YOUR FATHER IS READY TO FUCK YOUR BROTHER, THEN FEEL OBLIGATED. !@^&!%@^%!&@*%&*!#%!*&@%!@%.

Whoa that's a lot of caps. WHO THE FUCK CARES.

Starting today, I am going to hermit. Stay the fuck away from people in general.
If you need me, leave a message in my I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Don't call me, don't patronize me, don't hug me, DON'T CONTACT ME.

Edit: To those who attempted to contact me, leave me be. This is for the general population. It includes Y-O-U, the reader.

I spent a great deal of time at Futureshop. It's a good place to hang when you are stranded for an hour. Those salesmen made me feel so happy. I love superficiality.

A BIG FUCK YOU TO ALL YOU FUCKERS. I like walking in the dark and stealing from everybody. Thought you lost something, I TOOK IT.

TV Fanatic

So I read through Paulina's Our Lady Peace leaflet and I was shocked to read that within 1200 days, kids watch an average of 6 hours of television a day.

Today I spent 2 hours watching tv before I left for school to study. Those who know me well, I am a Oprah fanatic. Through the magic of satellite tv, I was able to watch Oprah that I missed yesterday and watch today's episode consecutively.

So the newer episdoe displayed people who are in financial crisis. One family put me in disgust. So there is this lovely upper class American family: Mother, Father, Son and Daughter who live a very comfortable lifestyle. Mother and Father are sel-made entrepreneurs who give their 16 and 18 year old kids each their own credit card to spend as they please. Reason for being on the show, the mother is afraid that giving her kids everything would destroy their finances in the future. HOWEVER, she is on national television defending herself that her kids are good and that they deserve whatever they want. The daughter has a closet full of clothes and the son has a gajillion band equipment. If the mother thinks she is right on how she is raising her kids, then why bother Oprah and the network minutes for no reason but to waste.

*sigh* I am glad my parents instilled good financial insights in me. Whatever financial trouble I am in is due to my selfishness and stupidity. Whatever I have in material possessions, I bought it myself even if it's racking up the credit card bills. Ultimately, I am paying for my mistake today and I am fine with that. I don't need my parents bailing me out. I am happy that they put a roof over my head and put food on the table. (though i am unsure how long until I start writing them rent cheques) I can proudly say that I work in a pink collar industry making little nothings to buy what I wear, eat and play.

I am not stingy either though I make nothing. If a friend needs money, I will gladly cover them. There are few people who has taken advantage of me WHO BOLDLY smile and will never ever return the favour if one is asked. I enjoy taking the bill for a meal or pay for movies because I know the money I make through my pink collar job is worth it for the time I spend with the people I love.

I love Tony Romas. I love sterling silver steaks. I love ribs.
Happy 5 months Khang. The next bill is mine. You can bring the candy and popcorn.

Dilemma

So I can't get student loans and my parent won't co-sign student line of credit for me. I have credit card bills out of ears. I have tuition and books yet to buy. My monthly transportation fees is another cost. Cell phone bill is on a rise. Mother hassling my ass to pay rent. Just ordered new glasses which are back-ordered >.< Trying to pick more hours at work. I don't see Khang no more and I miss him. I miss my girls. So if I have to pay rent, does that mean my parents can't have say in what I do anymore? If I want to go to Chris' party tonight, I can go?


I AM STRESSED OUT!!!!!! School barely started.

I miss UofA. I miss CAB. I miss the Crew. I miss the MAC ppl. I miss poker. I actually miss the Asian ppl considering they are non-existant in GMCC. I miss Ho Hos. I miss the car-pool with Pleena and Galen and Khang.

I want to be 15 again. I want to be 15 all over again.

I want to be assured that my future is bright.

To turn back time...

My summer in summary.

These past 4 months have been quite tranquil and reflective. At the end of school in April, I realized that if I don't change things in my life, I will never forgive myself. I knew that UofA is not the facility for me to further my education. I spent 2 years there. I never regret going there despite it all. Though I could of save time and money (the irony of it all) by listening to so many factors, those 2 years I will never take back. The experience was definitely surreal. I met some of the most interesting people there. When you are Asian on campus, it makes the world even smaller. A family friend told me that my time at UofA is something I will remember always if I make the best of it and I sure did. Education wise, it was an eye-opener. I never excelled in school, very average indeed. I never got honours in high school like a lot of my friends who did. I never achieved much but only just getting by. I like to think I am a cat with 9 lives. Just when the door closes on something, I always seem to sneak by with luck. It's something I am not proud of per-se and it drives my parents crazy. Learning at the U was tough for me and it's tough when you don't have a direction or goal set in mind. After 2 years and finally re-settling down with option 1 which is nursing, I am more school oriented than ever before. GMCC always crossed my mind so I researched into it and spent hours with a student advisor trying to figure out. In the end, I am glad that I took that step. I decided that I needed a different facility to help me achieve what I think suits me better. To get the feel of the GMCC, I took a summer course last minute. I wanted to stab myself honestly. I wanted this summer to be the summer of just me. I spent every summer since junior high in some form of summer school and never ever get to enjoy the free time. I screwed my head on straight and decided that it had to be done. The summer course went extremely well and finished top 5 in my class. That was a self-esteem booster for sure like I am ready to take on the next big task.
From there, I registered and now I am attending GMCC for 2005-2006. (go me)

I worked in Sobeys all summer and still am. Everybody looks at me and say that I will never ever leave the grocery store industry. I was extrememly iffy working there with good reasons but I was pretty desperate expecially with me racking up the credit card bills. I have to say that I wotk with some of the best people ever. The majority of the store team members are of the same age range so it's great working with your peers. I get paid to joke around with ppl and just hang out. Nothing better than that. With the raises and possibility of being supervisor, this job is not glamourous for sure but it's something I enjoy. I picked up a 2nd job at Roots City Center for a month. HOLY I will never juggle 2 part-time jobs ever. Working 14 hours day really sucks and takes a toll on your social life. Retail is utterly the worst job ever. I can say now that I've been there done that. I like the 50% off discounts though. The manager slept around with the customers and a co-worker was pure trash. Oi the stories were mind-boggling but still, not worth it.

My summer course took my July away, but it restore my faith in school.

I worked majoriy of the time and spent most of my time at home or just chilling with Khang. Bahaha. It was hard trying to get together with friends. Everybody was soo busy or was out of town or just didn't return phone calls (not naming names). I guess all of us are now dealing with quarter-life crisis scrambling to discover ourself and realizing that everything around ourselves is not all that it seems. People are not what they seem to be and all that jazz but that's okay. We are all in that boat. All is forgiven in good time.

The greatest part of my summer = Khang.

You have been such a joy in my life. We are the most boring people ever and I LOVE it. Lets write a book called The Adventures of Khang and Felicia, it will longer than Harry Potter. You've taught me so much about life and compassion in such a short period, you are truly something special. I hope that time brings us more of those and perhaps a bonus of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and more camping trips. I love you mister. KFT^2


Lastly, to R.L: You are in a better place now and when I see you again I can call you chicken once again. Heaven gained a angel that day and your family and friends miss you. RIP my friend.